Accident!

So, I was minding my own business driving to work today when an idiot changed lanes into my car. Thankfully, I was in the right lane and not the left, so he only pushed me into the curb, rather than on-coming traffic. My car is ok, except for a tiny dent (barely visible). And I'm none the worse for wear except a little shaken and a little bummed out. I took all his info and a kind woman stopped and gave me her info too in case I needed a witness. It's very obviously his fault, but MAN was it scary to me.

It got me thinking about a conversation that I had with one of my best friends just yesterday. You see I've been holding out telling my boyfriend how I feel about him until he says something about how he feels about me. He was one of the first people I thought to call today. But after the accident I thought (and I am aware that this is typical girly thinking), if I had been pushed into on-coming traffic or off an overpass and somehow died, I would have done so without him knowing how I felt about him. And worse yet, with me knowing that he didn't know and I did. Would it matter? I'm sure my friends would tell him, but wouldn't that be bitter sweet to hear that you are loved when you can't tell that person that you indeed do love them too? (maybe, I don' t know maybe he doesn't feel that way)

Should I tell him how I feel now while I can? Or does this experience illustrate exactly why there's no point in waiting? I don' t know....

Why?

Ok, so my ex is alive. But I'd rather pretend he's dead. I try to avoid him like the plague because looking at his face makes me want to knock him out sometimes. He works where I work out, I avoid his work days if I can. And it's not that I still have feelings for him. Any feelings I harbour are purely nostalgia tainted with the fury of the knowledge that I now have which is that it was all one big lie.

So when my little sister adds him as her friend on her facebook page, I try to be calm and sensible. But everything in me says that he should not have the privilege of considering anybody in MY bloodline a friend. Especially not my sister. I don't want them to associate but WTF can I do about it now.

I don't care what anyone says about vengeance and what not. I don't think of him except to think sometimes that I want him to hurt. I want him to feel even half of the emotional distress that he put me through over 5 years and the 2 years it's taken to recover. I want the freaking karma gods to get off their asses already and rain down the "what goes around comes around" that he deserves. I want him to pay for wasting 5 years of my life, crushing all of my dreams and making me start over.

Is there something wrong with that? With wanting the person that hurt you to hurt? I haven't gone after him or tried to hurt him myself. But finding that he is somehow ok with life burns me and severely skews my sense of justice in the world.

Maybe it's because I never got to show him how angry I was. I held it in, I know I shouldn't have. I never got to tell him that he was a complete and total asshole who never once appreciated the myriad of things I did for him. Well, better late than never:

Dwaine: you are complete and total asshole. You never, not even on your best day, deserved to be with a woman of the calibre or class that I am. So classy in fact that I could never say this to your face. And someday when the karma gods finally get you, and things are so dark and dismal that you can barely keep your head up. Don't ask why. Just nod your head and know that you had it coming.

Thank you.