Knocking some things of the list!

Well I guess you could say I've been really busy. Not consciously with the purpose, but as a result of my ambitions, I've knocked a few things off the list.

First, I visted London and then Paris. Both beautiful old cities with stunning architecture, people and art! I've been off my continent and seen Europe. I hope to be able to return,maybe see Spain, or Italy.

Second, as of today, I am officially a homeowner of a handsome little condo! Which means I have a million and one things to do. I did buy it on my own, no roommates and no one to tell me what to do. It's MINE all MINE!!!!

And if you've been keeping track, (let me imagine I have readers) my boyfriend said he loved me in due time. My waiting was worth it. He's taught me that sometimes it's better to let things flow naturally. And now I know that he's sincere.

• Finish learning Spanish
  
• Learn another language (like Mandarin, or Japanese)
• Visit all 5 major continents (so far, I've never left North America):
• See Cairo (Egypt, Africa)
• See Paris (France, Europe) July 10 - 14, 2007 NEW!!!!
  
• See Dubai (UAE, Asia)
• See Rio (Brazil, South America)
• Participate in a group Guinness world record breaking event - November 9, 2006
  
• Break or set my own Guinness world record
• Be on television - First air date: November 20, 2006
• Visit my sponsored World Vision Child
  
• Learn how to flamenco dance
• Get a tattoo - October 7, 2006
  
• Ride on the back of a motorcycle
• Learn to play the guitar
• Write "The Book"
• Skinny dip under a full moon
• Own one pair each of: Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, and Christian Louboutin shoes
• Buy a house -- TODAY -- July 30, 2007 NEW!!!!
  

Accident!

So, I was minding my own business driving to work today when an idiot changed lanes into my car. Thankfully, I was in the right lane and not the left, so he only pushed me into the curb, rather than on-coming traffic. My car is ok, except for a tiny dent (barely visible). And I'm none the worse for wear except a little shaken and a little bummed out. I took all his info and a kind woman stopped and gave me her info too in case I needed a witness. It's very obviously his fault, but MAN was it scary to me.

It got me thinking about a conversation that I had with one of my best friends just yesterday. You see I've been holding out telling my boyfriend how I feel about him until he says something about how he feels about me. He was one of the first people I thought to call today. But after the accident I thought (and I am aware that this is typical girly thinking), if I had been pushed into on-coming traffic or off an overpass and somehow died, I would have done so without him knowing how I felt about him. And worse yet, with me knowing that he didn't know and I did. Would it matter? I'm sure my friends would tell him, but wouldn't that be bitter sweet to hear that you are loved when you can't tell that person that you indeed do love them too? (maybe, I don' t know maybe he doesn't feel that way)

Should I tell him how I feel now while I can? Or does this experience illustrate exactly why there's no point in waiting? I don' t know....

Why?

Ok, so my ex is alive. But I'd rather pretend he's dead. I try to avoid him like the plague because looking at his face makes me want to knock him out sometimes. He works where I work out, I avoid his work days if I can. And it's not that I still have feelings for him. Any feelings I harbour are purely nostalgia tainted with the fury of the knowledge that I now have which is that it was all one big lie.

So when my little sister adds him as her friend on her facebook page, I try to be calm and sensible. But everything in me says that he should not have the privilege of considering anybody in MY bloodline a friend. Especially not my sister. I don't want them to associate but WTF can I do about it now.

I don't care what anyone says about vengeance and what not. I don't think of him except to think sometimes that I want him to hurt. I want him to feel even half of the emotional distress that he put me through over 5 years and the 2 years it's taken to recover. I want the freaking karma gods to get off their asses already and rain down the "what goes around comes around" that he deserves. I want him to pay for wasting 5 years of my life, crushing all of my dreams and making me start over.

Is there something wrong with that? With wanting the person that hurt you to hurt? I haven't gone after him or tried to hurt him myself. But finding that he is somehow ok with life burns me and severely skews my sense of justice in the world.

Maybe it's because I never got to show him how angry I was. I held it in, I know I shouldn't have. I never got to tell him that he was a complete and total asshole who never once appreciated the myriad of things I did for him. Well, better late than never:

Dwaine: you are complete and total asshole. You never, not even on your best day, deserved to be with a woman of the calibre or class that I am. So classy in fact that I could never say this to your face. And someday when the karma gods finally get you, and things are so dark and dismal that you can barely keep your head up. Don't ask why. Just nod your head and know that you had it coming.

Thank you.

Sweet Poetry

Lines: it has always been my belief that every man has lines. Set things he keeps that he can say in case of an emotional emergency, that requires little thought from him, yet sounds good enough to appease even the most savvy of partners. Though it's effectiveness has waned since it is used widely, I believe "It's not you, it's me" is among those lines, to illustrate my meaning. But sometimes you meet someone whose gallantry with the language makes you question whether his words not from the back of his mind in some emergency file, but from the heart.

What's making me talk about this is because I feel as though I have just witnessed one of those exchanges. To be exact, I believe I have been on the receiving end of one. The man who previously pre-occupied my mind and my heart disappeared unceremoniously more than a month ago. I believe I mentioned that in this very blog. Much to my chagrin, while enjoying my Valentine's day date with my new boyfriend, I received a text message from the man. He expressed a hope that I was having a good day, and went on to say we should get together sometime. Even though he really didn't deserve it, I knew it would be only right to let him know what has changed in the relatively short time since we last spoke.

So, last night, I called him or should I say I attempted to call him, because I was not entirely convinced that I would reach him, as it is very rare. But lo and behold on the second ring his voice comes through loud and clear. He seemed genuinely happy to hear my voice, he asked me how I had been and urged me to tell him what I've been up to. I delved into it hesitantly, not sure how to tell this man who I was once falling for that someone had taken that place.

"Well, I've met someone," I began. He immediately probed for more. "Who is he? Where is he from? What does he do? How did you meet?" And to my own surprise, his voice, a voice I know as well as a sailor knows the sea breeze, was... happy. Not an ounce of the sadness or the anger that I feared.

He offered me an explanation unbidden. "You know," he said, "I'm really happy about this. You're a good woman, and you deserve to have someone that can take care of you like you should be taken care of." Despite myself, I smiled at this. We continued on with the conversation, and feeling the spirit of the moment, I felt uninhibited in my ability to tell him about my new found happiness. He responded enthusiastically.

But, not one to leave such things unsaid, I did express my disappointment at the fact that he hadn't attempted until Valentine's Day to contact me, allowing a full month and more to pass since we last spoke. He explained in his naturally morose way that he fears developing relationships with people because in his own experience they somehow always leave him: his brother to the armed forces, his best friends to Seattle and Kansas, even his parents who left him to fend for himself in the pursuit of higher education, offering no support or guidance.

"Well," I offered, "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." I said this before I could even stop myself, and found myself shocked at the fact that it was true. I went on to explain my theory that people pass into one another's lives for a reason, and that, perhaps, I had passed into his to offer him that type of stability which he lacks. "Maybe," he said, "you're in my life to give me a little faith in relationships." Relationships being something he ultimately says he doesn't believe in at all.

And then he said to me something unbelievable. This thing that has me contemplating whether sometimes nice things are said unrehearsed. He said "I look at you sometimes and wish that I could just hold you in my arms and protect you from the world. But I know that I can't offer you that. So the best thing is for me to let someone else hold you who can do that for you. What I want is your happiness, even if it is not with me, and I am SO happy for you."

I won't lie to you, I cried. They were not tears of sadness, but more a wistfulness for the alternate time, the other life in which I'm sure that we are happy together. It's clear to me, though, that at this time in our lives he is absolutely right.

I can only hope that this new man in my life can evoke such an emotion in me, and I in him.

Nonetheless, I will cherish that moment of sweet natural poetry, offered from the most unexpected sources, the rest of my life.

Making Plans

I used to be the type of person who only made plans for myself. And I don' t mean vague "maybe I can do this" plans, I'm talking real concrete plans. My last vacation was last minute. I usually would have events only planned until 3 weeks ahead. Why? Because a few weeks ahead was all I could bear to think about, all I wanted to worry about.

I never ventured into making plans with anyone except my closest friends. And even then I probably drove them nuts verifying everything, because for me it was a forgone conclusion that most plans fall through. And, to be honest, a lot of them did.

I used to have plans, a long time ago. Future plans. Wedding plans. Kids plans (we even picked out names in order from 1st to 3rd born). Then when the "we" became just "me" again, more than the hurt and the pain of that loss, I felt the pain of losing all those plans as well. Saying goodbye to all those dreams and plans we'd built together was tough. I thought to myself, that making those plans was probably stupid, in fact I chided myself for making them.

But now I'm part of a "we" again. And I'm older (and thank God, so is he). And I'm tentatively making plans. Not too far out. But each time a little farther than I would have ventured to go before. Is that nuts? Am I setting myself up for a fall. Or is it the natural tendency of people when everything is going well to make plans based on the assumption that life preserves it's current goodness?

The great thing is he encourages me, he tells me that I am allowed to make plans. And having his permission bolsters a feeling in me that says that he too believes that things will continue and those plans are ok.

To be honest, it feels nice to have plans. It feels nice to have things to look forward to next month or the month after that. I know I can't make the same mistakes I did before. I'll take everything as it comes, rather than trying to plan out my life. But I can't really express how good it feels allowing myself to make plans.

This Ain't No Mediocre Happy

It takes some time of being marginally happy to recognize the value of being truly happy. I mean I've been doing well, have a great job, a fabulous family, and every right to be content. But there was something missing, and I knew it was missing.

After many failed attempts, I have finally found someone that appears to be above reproach. He's sweet, and makes me feel like a million bucks. He isn't all about the booty, and has the utmost respect for me and my family. Even though things are really new - I see a substance with this man. He's a man of few words, a manly man, the kind that doesn't talk about how he feels all the time. But nonetheless, I can absolutely see how he feels about me. It's not just in the flowers, CDs and/or chocolates that he unfailingly presents to me each time I see him, it's somewhere in his eyes. As though I may as well be the centre of his universe. I'm not just a pretty face to him, I'm a person, someone that he wants to spend all his time with, even if we're just sitting on the couch watching TV. Even if that was ALL we ever did.

Ok, so the point, which I knew I would get there eventually, is that for the first time in a long time I am truly happy. There is not a single thing that I would change about what's going on right now. I wake up and I feel happiness. My soul is not continuously lamenting the void that used to be in it. And more importantly and perhaps for the first time in my life, I feel as though I've earned this happiness, and maybe, just maybe it may stay awhile.

List Addition

It's a new year, and I think it's time for a new attitude, so this year is all about learning to be more independent of everyone. Seems like whenever I rely on someone else to help me achieve something, I get let down, so no more relying on other people, I'm just gonna do things myself.

This new attitude is brought to you by the letter F and U! LOL!

So, inspired by this new resolve, I've made the following addition to my list and I'm planning on achieving this goal this year!

• Finish learning Spanish
  
• Learn another language (like Mandarin, or Japanese)
• Visit all 5 major continents (so far, I've never left North America):
• See Cairo (Egypt, Africa)
• See Paris (France, Europe)
• See Dubai (UAE, Asia)
• See Rio (Brazil, South America)
• Participate in a group Guinness world record breaking event - November 9, 2006
  
• Break or set my own Guinness world record
• Be on television - First air date: November 20, 2006 NEW!!!!
• Visit my sponsored World Vision Child
  
• Learn how to flamenco dance
• Get a tattoo - October 7, 2006
  
• Ride on the back of a motorcycle
• Learn to play the guitar
• Write "The Book"
• Skinny dip under a full moon
• Own one pair each of: Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, and Christian Louboutin shoes
• Buy a house -- NEW --
  

Happy 2007!

So it's a new year! And I'm hoping that lucky 2007 will be a good year for me! I spent New Years Eve on a fabulous date and rang in the new year in style! They say whatever you do on New Years you do for the rest of the year, so I'm looking forward to a full year of having fun! I guess the whole point of this post is to put up my NYR: New Year's Resolution, so here it is:

Shae's NYR for 2007: Be more assertive. Especially when it comes to how I'm treated by people I care about. I have no problem stating what it is that I want from strangers, but once I have feelings invested in someone, I find I'm never able to quite say what's on my mind if I think it will hurt them. But then, they just end up hurting me. So this year, I'm going to learn how to articulate what I want and what I think to the people who actually matter to me.

So, if you actually know me personally, you might be hearing a lot of: "I hope this doesn't offend you." Sorry!